Sunday, 29 June 2008
My question is not literal of course. By 'burning bridges,' I mean ending relationships - for example friendship? Or maybe ending any form of communication with an acquaintance, a colleague or someone you know or even a relative perhaps? Well, of course, I wouldn't know your answer. Me? Do I burn bridges? Yes. And I have. I even had to cut off all forms of communications with a cousin. Why? You ask. Because sometimes it is the best thing to do, in my best judgment, for both parties.
In life, people come and go. The way I look at life, I see chapters. In each chapter, we meet people and build friendships. Some friends stay, some leave. With some, we create memorable - even beautiful - memories. With some, the memories become bitter and at times, painful. In my experience, when it becomes too painful and too difficult for me to bear - I end it. When a friendship is no longer a friendship, when I don't think I am still growing as a person and when it is turning me into a monster instead of making me a better person, then I call it quits.
I am not a mean, insensitive, cruel human being. In fact, it is not to toot my own horn, but to state a fact, I give what I can give when it comes to friendship. Friendship, for me, is a very deep word. Friends are like my second family. People who you can run to when the world has turned away from you...in the same way that these are people who can run to you when the world has turned away from them. So when this changes, it becomes really difficult. When you are no longer 'in synch' with the person, when you are no longer in the same wave length...then I think it is time to move on.
This reminds me of a cousin who I loved so dearly when we were little girls. She lived in the countryside and I lived in the city. We wrote to each other and we were bestfriends. When finally we met, we were so ecstatic and we did almost everything together. Then that changed. I changed. She changed. Over the next few years, I tried to synchronize myself with her and to follow her wave length. But one day, I just got fed up. I got really, extremely, angry. I was drained. All hopes gone. I said the most horrible things - horrible things that, up to now, I still do not regret saying. I am not proud of what I have done but I still think she deserved them. That was about four years ago if I am not mistaken. I still think I did the right thing by ending it all. I didn't want to have anything to do with her and I still feel the same. I still believe it was the right thing to do. Another cousin once asked me, 'Te Len, please forgive her.' My heart melted. It was time to look back, 'Have I forgiven her, really?' Yes, I have. There was no longer anger in my heart. I was able to let it go and living my life away from all the bad memories helped a lot. As my better half always says, 'They are just tiny dots from afar. They are no longer here. They can no longer hurt you.' He is right. What happened four years ago doesn't hurt me any more. I have forgiven the person. But I still think that what happened was for the best. I wish her well but I no longer wish for her to be part of my life or me to be part of hers. I am better off without her. I am a better person without her.
So, yes, I do burn bridges when I think it is the most logical thing to do. I keep the bridge burned for years. But I keep my doors open. If a time comes, when the bridge can be rebuilt, if it is at all possible, then I am ready for that change as well. But that is, IF the time ever comes.
Saturday, 28 June 2008
Wednesday, 25 June 2008
Wikipedia says that it was in 1978 that a trial of the first commercial cellular was launched. Click here to find out more.
I grew up without a mobile phone. In fact, it was only when I was in college and a few years after that I noticed its existence. Shortly before the year 2000, I bought my first-ever mobile phone. I am never without it since then. Now I have been thinking, what would I do without a mobile phone? Hhhhhmmm...how's my lunchtime going to be without it? I would probably be reading books at lunch, instead of texting away! If I didn't have it, I would probably be always worrying about my family in the Philippines because it wouldn't be that easy to make contact. Perhaps, without a mobile phone, life is simpler but less convenient. Technology never ceases to amaze me and that includes mobile phones. I don't keep changing my mobile to the most advanced and the latest models in the market all the time. I am quite satisfied with the simple functions like just texting, phoning and storing names, numbers and addresses. With my family away from me, I cannot imagine living without a mobile phone. It is an essential for me. But maybe it is just me, really. Maybe I just think it is essential. Maybe I can live without it. Oh, well.
Monday, 23 June 2008
Sunday, 22 June 2008
So guess what happened in between my posts??? There are things to woo-hoo about!
The kitchen got cleaned!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! W00-hoo!!!
I feel a lot better today. My better half is trying to make it up by taking a day off from work yesterday and today. Also, I feel so happy because he just got a new job - he was offered two new jobs!!! In a week or so, he will be starting his nursing job again. Woo-hoo!!!
Also, we are getting the house ready for some friends who are coming - an old college friend Jemima and hubby who are coming from Canada and dear friends Karla and Ed from Dorset. There's going to be some life in the house - after two long years I will have some friends around!!! Another woo-hoo!!!
Today, I'm doing the laundry, yes I know it's boring telling you this. But at least I'm not drying them in the dryer - which I don't really like - but out in the sun!!! It rained hard last night but today it is dry, hopefully it lasts, but it is quite windy. Summer in England is not real summer so what do you expect? Don't get me wrong - I love it here! Woo-hoo!
Well, as it is too obvious that I am in one heaven of a good mood today, I better sign off and start living! Woo-hoo!
Friday, 20 June 2008
Thursday, 19 June 2008
For some reason, I was extremely tired yesterday. I didn't know why. I was supposed to write some letters for the housing association, solicitor, etc., etc. (I am my better half's Executive Secretary) but I explained to hubby that I needed to rest early. At half past 9 at night, I was asleep. Very unusual for a night person like me who can watch 3 consecutive films in one night (I should have tried getting a job in the film industry...or a film review board perhaps???) or read a book until the wee hours of the morning. Tonight, I don't feel too bad. I feel kind of lazy but alright. I have the I-want-to-just-lay-down-for-a-bit-and-do-nothing kind of feeling. Sometimes I feel there is so much to do and work seems to go on forever and ever and ever, even when I get home. Dishes. Laundry. Hoovering. Paperwork. Cooking...err, I don't do much and the microwave does a lot of help...yes, I know microwaves are not always healthy but there you go.
Well, such is life. How do I deal with it? Simple. I don't do any of them. Look at my kitchen! I have the makings of a first-rate slob! Luckily, my husband doesn't complain - nor throw pillows around the room - thank God - when things don't get done. He tries to help me but most things I prefer to do myself. Don't ask me why, maybe it's a disorder of some sort.
A friend of mine, Anne, who is one of the busiest people I know, often tells me the things that she wants to do but cannot seem to have enough time to do them. I always hear myself telling her to slow down and give herself some credit for being a good Mum and being able to juggle all three jobs at the same time (Yes, three jobs! I cannot imagine it myself!)! But now look at me, feeling almost miserable not being able to do all these things I want to do at home and things that I want to get over and done with. Even the manuscript that I have started suddenly came to a stop and I cannot seem to get the Chapter 2 done - (Friend Wen, heeellllpp!!!) ***SIGH***
Well, we can only do so much. There is time for everything. A time to work and a time to do the dishes. A time to write and a time to do the laundry. But most of all, it's time for bed!
Ho-huuummm!!! Have a restful sleep tonight, dear friends!
Tuesday, 17 June 2008
This is St Michael & All Angels’ Church in Hawkshead.
No, hubby and I didn’t burn and to think we haven’t been into one for a very very long time.
Monday, 16 June 2008
These flowers are for all my friends out there - from the Philippines (I miss you all so much!), from the UK, from America, Canada, Korea (this list now includes all my Friendster friends as well!) - thank you for the friendship!
Sunday, 15 June 2008
Warning: For the most part of this entry, it can be construed as moaning and whining about yesterday's happening. If you've got an earache (or eyeache?), you better not read this. But this is more to tell what happened behind the the red shoes and the white trouser suit.
What better way to make yourself feel better than go shopping? Yes, I still felt bad this morning so I went shopping.
I understand hubby wanted to go to work. Fine by me. But what annoyed me even more was that, instead of making amends, I was ignored. I may have over-reacted. It was just a summer ball for goodness' sake, Len. It was only £25 that was lost. It was only the days that I looked for a dress, the shoes, the purse. The nights that I imagined myself wearing the trouser suit that I finally found. With all of these things in my head, I went berserk when he wouldn't talk to me about it the morning after I was told that we weren't going. Husband said it was childish the way that I behaved (I threw pillows all around the bedroom!) and reacted after he ignored me. I thought he behaved arrogantly - well for me that was arrogant to behave that way to your wife - not talking to me as if to say, 'Well, I don't care how you feel. That's just the way that it is, Take it or leave it.' He didn't say it literally, no, but I just thought perhaps that was the message. He later explained that he didn't know how to react or what to say because he knew I was upset. In my case, I needed to vent out my anger. I needed a punching bag with his photograph stuck on it but I didn't have that so I threw pillows around the room instead. In the past, I had punched pillows in frustration and anger whilst he was at work so he's never seen this side of me. Bottomline, he said hurtful words he shouldn't have said in reaction to my over-reaction.
Maybe I was expecting too much from him. Maybe I was forgetting that he is from the West and I am from the East and our way of life are two different things. I know what my Dad would do when Mum was feeling bad about something (in the Philippines, this is called 'tampo' or 'sama ng loob'). Husband doesn't know how to deal with 'tampo' and most often, I forget that that's the case and that in his country, 'tampo' doesn't exist and so dealing with it is unknown.
My better half doesn't get angry so easily. He is a person so easy and pleasant to live with and for that, I feel so lucky. I am the one who gets frustrated, gets angry, gets annoyed easily. My excuse? I am a woman, that's why. But when I get really angry, the problem arises when my husband also gets irritated so we end up not talking to each other. If we do talk in the end - it becomes an argument because he makes sure he wins and he doesn't apologise. The two magic words for me when I feel really bad are 'I'm sorry.' But husband never learns this. Maybe it isn't in his psyche. Maybe it's about time I accept this fact. Or maybe it's about time not to sweat the small stuff. (My other self wanting to butt in: B-b-buut, it's no small stuff!!! It's a ball for Heaven's sake! @:£$(!"@!!!! Ziiipp.)
Today it's Father's Day. I don't want to ruin his day. He's been a good father to our boy...and he was, to my knowledge, a very good Dad to his other 5 children - now all grown up - before I came into his life. But today, sadly, no one remembered. Nobody sent a card. No phonecalls from anyone of them. So I thought I'd forget about what happened yesterday and get him something special. Tonight, when he comes home, I will give him this:
It's my way of saying 'I'm sorry' for over-reacting and for what he calls 'a childish' behaviour. It's my way of saying despite the hurtful things that was said and his inability to apologise, I know he is a wonderful person. It is my way of saying that he is bigger than his shortcomings and his love is bigger than anything else in the world. Most of all, it is to say he means the world to me.
PS: Tampo refers to a Filipino cultural behavior in which one withdraws affection or cheerfulness from a person who has hurt one's feelings - Reference: Wikipedia. Click here to read more.
Saturday, 14 June 2008
Yes, folks, I had to sit back and control myself last night and this morning!!!
So what do I do now? Sulk? No way! I'm going to Norwich to go shopping! Hmp!